Ok I am having one of those weeks. You know the kind of weeks that make you wish you were on some beach, reading a good novel and letting the world pass you by.
First I had trouble with my youngest son’s teacher. It basically was a misunderstanding and lack of communication. Things are worked out. But some reason, nothing shoots me into “Momma Bear” mode, and “worry wart” mode then something with my children and their education. In this situation I was able to see God’s hand work, which is good. Because I had been praying the Lord would curb my tongue and let only clear, grace filled salt come out. I think God saved me.
Then hubby and I get in a silly fight that ends up hurting my feelings. And really it was something stupid. I think we both are worn out.
Finally (and this is what I would like your input on) I find out that an 8th grader (my son is a 7th grader) was caught at school kissing a girl. I know this particular kid, he is a “good kid”, and he has good parents. I know his parents well. But what went through my mind was “what if that were my child” how would I react? I personally like my rose colored glasses, which say he won’t try that until way into high school. I am so not ready for this. We have already had “that” talk. He knows all the “details”, but he really has not been faced with his first serious crush. I talk about God’s view on sex before marriage. What I am trying to figure out, how on a day to day way do you encourage you son/daughter to stay pure. I guess I am struggling with this because he is my first, by my third I will feel like a pro. I am sad because we have to be so much more proactive then our parents and grandparents ever had to be.
Another thing I am finding, and let me know if you see this too. There are so many Christian parents, who failed personally in the area of sex before marriage; therefore they do not make it clear to their child that it is wrong. They feel like a hypocrite. This is sooo wrong. I was blown away about a year ago talking to some Christian friends, they were saying “well I can’t exactly push abstinence on them if I failed in that area”. I heard, “I will tell them God’s will, but if they ask me I won’t lie to them”. I was floored, not that I encourage lying but just the lackadaisically attitude WITHIN THE CHURCH!! I help out with middle school students at church, they are a fun bunch. But they need to be told over and over how important is it to remain pure. And that is not just “don’t have sex”, it is your child’s thought life, your child’s view of the opposite sex, this is even “hand holding” if that makes you stumble in your walk with Christ.
So many times in the high school group we get the question, “how far is too far to go”? I am always floored by that question. I tell them “if you have to ask, then that is too far”. I tell my sons, “remember what ever you do on that date, you are taking that away from her future husband. And just think of the girl the Lord has planned for you, the one you will spend the rest of your life with, how would you want her treated on a date with another guy?”
I would love to have your input and thoughts. If you want to post it on your own blog, just leave a link.
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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
That is a tough one, particularly because people tend to think kissing at that age is “cute” and don’t realize that kids that age are changing, and a kiss then is different from what it might have been at 2 or 3.
I understand, to a certain extent, the parents who let their guilt over past indiscretions haunt them, but….failing in the battle is no reason to stop battling. If it were any other sin, I think they wouldn’t feel the same way.
I don’t know any other way to encourage our kids to stay pure besides to keep on doing what you’re doing — with maybe the addition of being careful that what they watch and listen to doesn’t counter the instruction you’re giving and stir up the wrong kinds of feelings (very hard in this day and age!)
It is hard to tell a teenager that they will be so thankful that they waited. The tend to not believe adults.
I was a virgin when I got married, and do not regret that decision. I hope that my son, he is only six now, will do the same. I think that is the greatest gift you can give your spouse.
I think a parent, no matter if they “messed up” should do their best to encourage their son or daughter to remain pure until marriage. They could just be honest with them. It can lead to so much heartache.
It is only “fun” for a season. They may not get it, but just keeping talking about it while they are young enough to know what sex it. And, Pray, pray, pray for your child!
If it is not sex, they are going to be tempted with so many other things in their lives, like drugs, alcohol, and smoking. Be consistent with your children.
I am no expert. Like I said, my son is still young, but I hope and pray that I will remain close enough to him that he will trust me on certain topics.
I look forward to seeing the responses to this post. My oldest is 7, so I haven’t had to deal too much with this issue yet (aside from the “where do babies come from” question when I got pregnant last fall). But this is one area of parenting that truly scares me. I pray even now that both of my boys would be sexually pure. But I, too, wonder how I will encouarage them - practically, regularly - to remain pure.
I am right there with you on the sex issue. I was not a Christian until I was 22 and I failed MISERABLY at the sex issue. However, my failure does not mean that it will be acceptable for my children to fail. It is too important. My job will be to show them (when they are the right age) the consequences of my actions and what a destructive life cycle that can become.
Great advice I just heard from a friend to his teenage grandson…”Don’t touch her body anywhere that a bathing suit would cover, and I mean a 1-piece.”
Funny, but true!
Melissa @ Breath of Life
In our hypersexed society, we can not emphasize too strongly to our children that we are called to not be of the world. We are called to be in this culture, but we are to set apart, holy, to glorify God above all else.
I didn’t live biblically before marriage, either. But it is my responsibility to teach my children what God’s expectation of them is regardless. My daughter is almost 14 and I know the question is coming. I plan to tell her that I sinned against God and my husband by not waiting until the marriage bed. I was wrong. God has forgiven me, but I have to live with the consequences of my foolishness for the rest of my life: knowing I didn’t have my purity to gift to my husband, having to confess this wrongdoing to my children, not knowing whether they will follow my bad example or learn from it, seeing virginal girls on their wedding day while knowing that, unlike me, they will be so more blessed to have only known their husbands….it’s a lot to deal with and the older I get, the more regret I bear.
Now, armed with all that, it’s up to my kids to not follow my example, to obey God in that and all area of their lives.
If I didn’t teach them God’s command over their sexuality, I would be in sin.
I know. These are strong words. It’s a tough subject.
Yes, this is a tough one. I have told my daughters of my mistakes, my sins, in the area of keeping myself pure for marriage and of the many regrets that follow. I have urged and encouraged them to have respect for themselves, potential boyfriends, and future mates by refusing to follow the pattern of the world. I have begged, “Please don’t make the same mistakes I made, rather learn from them.” I can only hope they take it to heart.
I do think we need to inform our children before they are misinformed by their peers. Keep the lines of communication open, and let them know they can discuss these things with you. I could never talk to my mom because she was much too prudish to discuss such things.
Oh Lori, I do not know exactly how you are feeling??? But man i wish I had the best advice and answers for you!
My best friend is a 5th grade teacher and she has allready ahd a kissing problemn this year AND THEY ARE 10 YRS OLD!
I think Melissa has a great saying you (and me when the time comes) can tell the boys… I PRAY that my son will remain pure and be proud! I also PRAY that peer pressure does not sway him in the wrong way! GREAT POST! I can NOT wait to read what everyone has to say!
We raised three kids, started out by being honest about our mistakes and telling them what that cost us. Then we set limits, made them go to church and youth group so they had a good peer group. We tried to be open to talking about whatever. We did, as you said, the reminding them someone was out there dating their husband or wife and hopefully treating them with the respect they were showing whoever they were dating, since they likely were not their future spouse. It’s HARD, it had its bumps but I think we did a pretty good job. More than anything, be honest, be available, listen more than you talk, and above all else, pray - a lot.
Do I ever know what you mean. Those parents who were together before marriage would probably see a consequence in their marriage if they got honest and asked God to show them…perhaps a lack of respect between the spouses, or a lingering guilt?? THAT’S what they tell there kids…telling them more than “don’t” …tell them “why” don’t…the spiritual and emotional consequence. And then pray…you can talk to your child about the peace and emotional strength that comes from remaining pure, but water the seed with lots and lots of prayer.
I’ve been visiting but couldn’t comment as you’re now on beta..but if I comment anonymously, it’ll work, so …. I’m baaaack. Scary eh?
Mugwumpmom (Rena)
Hello, I have a 9th grader, I began when he went to 7th grade talking openly with him about this subject.
This very thing happened to him last year, one of HIS friends kept kissing on a girl at school, and Caleb talked to me about it which was very cool, so it opened up a discussion about it. That being it is off limits or should be, not appropriate right now.
The big thing I have done for both of my kids has been True Love waits. My kids go through it every year in the youth dept at church. It teaches the kids abstinance before marraige. My daughter is 21 and still practices it.
Honesty. Also I bought my son Every young mans battle, this summer and had him read it. Awesome book!!!
Hello. I’m new here and found you from Heather Young, if you are interested.
Something not yet mentioned is that we must teach about how love and lust are different. Secular society blurs them together.
Try this: read First Corinthians 13:4-7 once, and then re-read it replacing each word “love” with “lust”, and reversing each “is” and “is not”. It works because love and lust are in many ways opposite.
Using touch to communicate fondness can be healthy, even for teens, if the people understand the difference between love and lust.
I’d be much more worried about a teenager who wanted to dress in some sexy manner but never even held hands with a boy/girlfriend than a teenager who valued modesty but took naps beside a boy/girlfriend in a hammock. The former is showing a desire to possess or be possessed.
David I could not see where I could email you or comment on your blog, but I wanted to thank you for your words of wisdom. I loved the analogy you gave concerning swing dance. To me it sounded sweet. THANK YOU.
You’re quite welcome. And you write sweet things too!
(I have different e-mails for my ministry work and math teaching. My blog’s sidebar only links to websites for these jobs, which in turn list e-mails.)
Okay, I don’t know how I missed this post, but I am right here in this, watching my daughter’s peer group enter this phase (7th grade). I think this year is going to be one of those years where a line is going to have to be drawn in the sand. I’ve told my kids there comes a point where some of their friends (even in church) are going to go down dramatically different roads. They can’t have one foot in the world and one foot trying to serve Christ, and the sooner people know where they stand, the easier it will be through their teen years. Get used to being called “goody two-shoes” - if that’s the worst scar they carry from the teen years, then take it!