Just hear me out…

by Lori

Ok let me just say I hesitated posting this. Just know this is not the opinion not anyone else’s, and I guess it is my blog so I can give my opinions.

I dislike Valentines. Wait! Before you click out of here, hear me out. Don’t get me wrong, I love all the chocolate and candy I can get for great deals. I love the fact marital advice is given by wonderful people. And I love my husband greatly. But I don’t like Valentine’s Day.

I will greatly enjoy everyone talking about love this week. And be sure to visit Sting My Heart because she is a wise and Godly example of this. I love learning about different ways I can love my husband. But for me it boils down to one word…

Expectation.

I don’t like Valentine’s Day because of the expectation it puts on husbands and wives. Now I know there are some husbands out there that are only “romantic” on Valentine’s Day(meaning that is the only day they buy a gift or take you out somewhere special). I don’t like Valentine’s Day because it makes my husband feel like he should do something because he does not want me to be left out or my feelings hurt. He loves me like that. And the same goes for me, I sit and try to think of something to do for him, because I feel I have to, just because the date happens to be February 14th. Both of us agree, it really means more to each of us if we do something during the year that was not expected. Like for no reason, one day he walks in the door with flowers. In my eyes (now I know many might not agree with me) those flowers mean more to me than any Valentine’s Day flowers. I love the “just because I thought of you gifts.” Or the fact he found out a chocolate store was going out of business, so for no reason, he made sure I had a decent size stock in my refrigerator. Now nothing says loving like a man who brings you chocolate for no reason. HA!

Many years ago as newly weds, we had not discussed our expectations or thoughts. We were still at the stage where we thought each of us could read minds. He would try to do something; it was never what I imagined. And somehow, someway things flopped. It was not until we both discovered we like to be recognized throughout the year during “just because moments.” Also we both agree, having only boys, how important it is to make your spouse feel special on everyday type of days. We try to show this by example.

Another reason I dislike Valentines is that it excludes many of the hard working single mothers and single fathers. And those who find themselves alone during this season either due to divorce or death of a spouse. I am one that does not like anyone excluded. We can respond that God is their “husband” and to lean on Him. Which is true, but it still hurts their heart during this time. And I have to say some of the single working parents work harder in one day then I do all week. I bow down to you. And I know it is through God’s strength and provision you will raise Godly awesome kids.

Does this mean my husband won’t do anything for Valentine’s….no. In fact he has promised me he will sit through the movie, “Notebook” with me. Which I know he is not greatly looking forward to because it is a “chick flick”. But it is one that I have bugged him to no end to watch with me. So there are no expectations, I don’t expect big box of chocolates (I already have a stash thanks to him a month ago), I already got flowers a couple times this year for no reason. What I look forward to on Wednesday is just spending time. And I will be thinking of you single mothers, or single women (and as Iris pointed out, men and fathers who are single also, sorry did not mean to leave that out!) during this time and praying you feel God’s love wrapped around you.

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  • Love Bears All Things
    I love the flowers or gifts on special days too because it is not something that is prediciable but what I like better is when J goes out and picks a boquet of flowers or wildflowers from the yard or roadside because I know when he saw them he thought of me.
    After 40 years of marriage we've learned how to show we care in little ways all year.
    I meet him at the door when he comes home from work.
  • Erna
    I totally hear you. I feel the same way about preferring the nice things in the every da. :0)
  • Deanna
    I'm so with you on this!!! The flowers my husband brought home on a day when there was no birthday, anniversary or major holiday in sight mean more to me than any flowers on a "have to" day!

    My husband sent me flowers at work once when we were newly married, just because. NOBODY in my office could believe he did that - they all continued to assume he was apologizing for something!! LOL
  • MiPa
    Well said. After the expectations of our first Valentines Day were crushed because I had a bad case of the flu, we have vowed never to set ourselves up again. We typically go out on the 15th or 16th (in honor of that late 1st V-day) and have the restraunt to ourselves. And I agree, I'd rather have "just because" flowers than "obligation" flowers anyday. Blessings on your day!
  • Katherine@Raising Five
    Love this. We are SO not into the guilt-induced commercialization and the creation of unrealistic expectations (however, I´m not below buying candy I wouldn´t normally buy...)!
  • Grafted Branch
    *Whew* I'm so glad to know that I'm not a social deficient just because I'm not big Valentine's Day. I, frankly, cringe at the waste of money spent because some marketers say so. Or maybe that just makes me cheap. lol.

    Either way, like you, I much prefer daily contentment in the comfort of true and mutual love than the spectacular gesture born out of duty to expectation.

    Great post. Thanks for writing it!
  • Mert
    I just wrote about this a few weeks ago... my point was that he was using his dislike for an excuse. his point was that he didn't need card companies telling him when to say he loved me, he could tell me anytime... I said- right, so why don't you?

    Now we see each others point of view, and he buys me roses when ever the mood strikes. :D And I don't pout when he doesn't go all out on Valentines day.

    Beautiful post! here from the carnival of blogging chicks.
  • Tammy
    Good post, Laurel Wreath, and some very valid points!
    I, too, had expectations go awry in past Valentines Days...and I do agree, it means more to me when hubby does something unexpected instead of feeling obligated on Feb. 14.

    However, being a complete, over the moon romantic, I love the idea of Valentine's Day.

    But I do agree, it is good to be mindful of others who do not have a "significant other"...because of this, we can use this day to show God's love to others.
    Yesterday, the girls and I made cards to mail and suprise their aunts who are not married, along with the grandma.
    And on Valentine's Day, our monthly visit to a retirement home falls on that day, so we will be making heart crafts with them and giving out little Valentines.

    And while the kids are in Awana that night, hubby and I will probably go out to a place that sells chocolates...or simply stay home and listen to Tony Bennett!

    I do love Valentine's Day but I agree with the "heart" of your post (no pun intended!) ;)r
  • Terri @ In His Hands
    Laurel, I so agree! If you feel like you *have* to do something just because it's Valentine's Day, where's the romance in that?
  • Melanie
    I understand what you are trying to say. It does put expectations on spouses (especially husbands) and if you don't talk to each other about it, someone will get hurt.

    Another holiday that makes me sad is Mother's Day- sad for other moms out there who are single or alone. Especially battered women in shelters- Who is going to help their kids purchase a card or a gift? I know that the kids can make them something, but it isn't the same as someone encouraging them. One year our women's group put together gift bags for the moms at a shelter. It really was a blessing and I ended up meeting a mom and being blessed by HER words.

    Sorry for the long comment! Thanks for addressing this. You never know. It may help a lady who has great expectations not be so disappointed this Wednesday.
  • on the Rock
    You're right! The expectation part ruins it everytime.
  • Susanne
    I tend to agree Laurel and I definitely know my hubby does too! We've had this discussion several times and it's so much nicer to get the unexpected things. Spending time together is the nicest thing on Valentines Day!
  • Erin
    that's so true- my hubby and I are only together 4 years and we've already passed through "expecting" too much on Valentine's Day. It's so commercial right now anyway so we've both relaxed on the issue. I never thought about how depressing it might be for single parents though- that is most thought provoking as my own mother was a single mom.
  • Jenny in Ca
    I agree with you alot here Laurel. Hubby and I stopped doing valentine's day a few years ago. If we think to do anything, then we go out to dinner a few days before or after the day. That was always the worst, trying to go out for a nice dinner on the exact night everybody else was out! The expectations of the day are too much pressure. We don't do anything for each other, (on the day, but we do nice things for eachother all year) but I like to do some fun crafts with the kids, and I am going to make an effort to give flowers to my MIL who is a brand new widow. It must be depressing to be alone on a holiday with so many expectations tied to it.
    good post, thanks for the deep thoughts.
  • julie
    My hubby and I were just discussing this. It is much more meaningful to get a little something just because then when you feel the person may have been "pressured" into buying you something. It is nice to know others feel the same way.
  • ChupieandJ'smama
    I agree with you that every day should be Valentines Day. I just like thinking of February 14th as a little reminder to that. I've dropped my expectations. Now that I don't have any, I can't be disappointed. Before I was married, I always had HUGE expectations, and they were never met. My hubby exceeds my expectations every day so what kind of card or flowers or candy (no candy please I'm on a diet) he buys me doesn't matter. I do it now for the kids because they think it's fun. Happy Valentines Day to you and even though I didn't get you any flowers or candy, I'm sending you my friendship and a prayer for a happy, healthy day.
  • Brenda
    Me too! Me too! My husband loves me all day every day, and I don't like having him feel as if he has to do anything because it's expected. Where's the surprise in that?

    Last year he did bring flowers and a box of candy to me at the office. I felt bad for the women who didn't get anything from their husbands, so I gave each of them one of my roses.
  • Kelli
    Agreed. Out anniversary is close enough to VD (it's today) to where we don't really do VD for each other.

    John shows me all year how he loves me. I don't need/want another day just so "has" to.

    So- VD will reamin a day to just maybe squeeze his hand another time, or get another of the many kisses he hands out freely every day.

    I'm a happy, contented little lady.
  • momrn2
    I am right there with you. Actually, we don't do much here with the Valentine's Day thing either. We just enjoy each other!
  • Linda
    I hadn't formulated my thoughts nearly as well as you have Laurel - but as I read your post I realize I really do feel the same way. I actually wrote a post asking for gift ideas for my husband because I am just stumped. Why must we go through all this just because it is a certain date. I like your idea much better - we do it already. I love those unexpected flowers or the gift of something I have mentioned given just because.
    You are a very wise lady.
  • Barb
    I so agree with you, Laurel. Those no special occasion surprises mean far more than gifts received because it's expected. That's what moved me so much about the Yankee Candles you sent me. It made me feel wonderful that you did that for reason other than to make me feel special.

    When I worked, I almost always received flowers delivered to my ofice on Valentine's Day. Flowers from my husband. A lot of us who were married or had boyfriends did. I couldn't help but feel bad for the girls who didn't receive anything.

    Gifts given just because -- those say love more than gifts given out of obligation.

    And don't be surprised if he likes The Notebook. It's a wonderful movie and my husband got a few tears in his eyes when he watched it with me. Very tender and moving love story.

    (OK - we're off to David's Bridal!)
  • Fiddledeedee (It Coulda' Been
    I think you make some very excellent points LW! I agree. Valentines is a state of the heart. Not a day.
  • Sissy B.
    P.S. I just read Lundie's comment...now I like the idea of celebrating April Fool's day instead...what fun!!!
  • Sissy B.
    Oh my kindred spiprit!! My husband and I just had this discussion last night. alhtough he is quite the romantic and I am not....he would do something just so...as you so greatly put "I don't feel left out"..however, last night I told him...no Valentines gifts!! I don't care for Valentines day either...it creates alot of pressure everywhere....because of what you so eloquently sated as being 'expectations'. Although I am considering participating in Iris' Love Week...I am praying about being able to participate in such a way as to not 'exclude' anyone..or to have anyone think that my life is any better than theirs because there is a love in my life. I am so glad you posted this!!!!! Kudos to you Laurel!!!
  • eph2810
    Now who is the wise one here :). You are right about Valentine's day - I totally agree with you. I don't like it either - at least not the commercial side of it. We should have Valentine's Day 365 days a year. There are many unexpected good things in our marriage through out the year. And I hope that I will get that across next week :) -
    Although think about single men, who are raising their children because their wife have left them or their are a widower (is that the right word?)
    Thank you for speaking from your heart.
    Blessings on your weekend and always...
  • Heidi
    I agree with you! Especially about the leading by example in everyday acts of love.
    I also hate the way Valentine's Day makes single women feel badly. Being married is the occupation of many, but it's not necessarily better than being single.
    I once had a "Cupid Is Stupid" party on Valentine's day. It was tons of fun and I invited all my married and unmarried friends.

    Thanks for posting this!
  • Lundie
    John and I quit celebrating Valentines a long time ago. We celebrate April Fools' Day instead - with dinner and flowers and all the romantic stuff. Not only does it make it ours and special, but believe me, you can get reservations anywhere! LOL (We've been married for over 11 years and still goin' strong - despite the boycotting of V-Day!)
  • MotoMom
    I agree totally. The thoughful little things mean so more. Somehow John seems to know when I am having a rough day and brings home a bar of Godiva dark chocolate. He hates shopping so much that I even buy my own Christmas, birthday and anniversary presents. So when he does decide to venture into a store it is truly out of love.
  • Jennifer
    Hi Laurel, I hear ya! My problem is with the commercialism of it all. I really try to focus the holiday on homemade cards and spending time with the one's you love. I want it to be a day where we remember to love one another not where we think about how many valentines we are going to receive. We have come up with our own tradition. I put out supplies for valentine's cards about a month before the holiday. Then the girls can create valentine's at their leisure as acts of love. On valentine's, we do a family dinner of fondue. The kids love dipping things in chocolate. Hubbins and I really celebrate our love on our once a year get away. My mom comes from California to NC to be with the kids and Hubbins and I take a trip somewhere all by ourselves. Our next one is coming in April. I'm not sure where we are going yet but planning is half the fun:)

    Blessings-
    Jennifer
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