Have you ever been struggling with something, but not really not know exactly what it is. For me it took listening to a message on the computer to be able to bring my jumbled thoughts together. When Shalee wrote her post here about
loneliness has become an unwelcomed guest in my heart, and I don’t know how to properly evict it and all its belongings.
I told her that was a post I could have written lately. But I could not pin point where it was coming from. Yes, it was end of summer blues, it is hot, etc..
Today I have come to realize that the lack of community is getting to me. I am not talking about blog world/computer world; I am talking about real life here. Let me ramble here and maybe I will find the point.
I use to teach women’s bible study; actually I taught two different times. I use to be active in Middle School group, but stepped down due to several factors. Manly man and I attended Sunday School regularly, we were in the Pastors Sunday School class. Well something happened, my pastor was caught in sin and he suddenly had to leave. That alone was crushing, but it also took us out of the class. The Sunday school class was dismantled and we are expected to join another class. Manly man and I have not. We have only been attending “big church” while the kids are in Sunday school, and then we go home.
Part of me is not excited about the other classes offered, that is not the church’s fault I think the problem lays in my attitude. The only women who I have connected to at the church is the older women, I think that is why I liked the Pastor’s class so much. I find it difficult to connect with the women my own age. I know I may be part of the problem.
When I had surgery, it was the older women who reached out (even though many younger ones knew about it). When I was new to the church it was the older women who made me feel welcomed. When I try to reach out to women in my own age group, I get the nice pat pleasantries but nothing more. No depth. I have tried to reach out to women to try to attend the women’s conference, but it is only “we will see” and they attend/room with someone else. The only way to go to these events would be to attend by myself, people are nice but they have their own friends they attended with.
I am a person who likes to form deep friendships, but many of the things at church are superficial. My closest friend at the church about a year ago left to attend another church. I really like the youth group at my current church, and I have to admit that is why I am staying. But even there I am struggling. I realize as I say all this, I want you to realize I know I am not free of blame here.
There were a few incidents during the mission trip my oldest son went on, my son was at fault. Nothing major, but it came to light the struggles I am having with raising a teenager. I think I feel more shame then support from the church. No, a person did not “shame” me, but agreed with me that my son was acting out. I explained that is why he has not been going to middle school youth group, and they said “they understood.” Now after making a comment like that, what support should I expect from a church?
In all honesty I really don’t know. Maybe that is what is at fault, my expectations. I truly like the people, they have a heart for God….but. That is what I am dealing with is the….BUT.
I think the one thing I am missing is encouragement and rebuking. I think we need to love people encourage them, but we also need someone that knows us so well that they can take you aside and say “what are you doing?” This is a person that can say, “you know how much I love you, but I see this happening.” Not that I think there is some great sin in my life that needs to be pointed out, but there is that lack of closeness and it frustrates me. There is only one person in my life that I know that can do that, and that is my sister. I know if she says, “Hey I think you are messing this up.” I may get my feelings hurt but I know that I better listen once I get over my feelings of being called on the carpet. Why are there not more people in the church like that? Maybe it is just me.
Why when you are raising teenagers you feel more embarrassed then supported? I think that is where my loneliness is coming from and I am not sure what to do about it. I think that is why I tried to be more active in the church, but my kids schooling has not made that possible. I have one child that goes to tutoring during the week, etc. So it is making it almost physically impossible to be more active. So that is maybe why I am in the season I am in.
I am no way point fault at people at my church, I am just sharing my frustration and Shalee’s post and the sermon I listened to is God bringing forward things I would rather push back and not deal with. Can anyone relate to any of this? And Lord have mercy if you did read all this I pray the Lord will give you an extra dose of blessings. Thanks for letting me ramble.
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