This kind of ties in the this post by Shannon, and this post by Barb. They really hit it on the nail. I don’t have anymore words to add to what they already said but to share a story.
It may surprise you, but I am not raising perfect kids, I know you are shocked and aghast. But alas somewhere along the way as parents we make mistakes, and along the way kids chose their own path. The path may not be the path the parents would like them to choose. No matter how much we teach them right from wrong, no matter how much we try to protect them, in the end they are their own person with their own soul before God. Children will break your hearts at least a couple times in your life. I am not talking about the misbehaving type of breaking your heart, but the “man I hope the Lord gets a hold of his life and turns it around” type of mistakes.
I have a son standing at the fork road of life and as a Mother I see God reaching out to him, and all I can do is cover him with prayer and pray he makes the right decisions. For these decisions are not mine as a Mother to make. My son messed up big time yesterday, but let me share with you how I see God working. There is a devotional book he got almost a month ago. He was excited to read this devotional book, but like many of us, it gets set on the dresser to never be opened. A couple of times I have asked him if he read any of it, just to see if he liked the book. But it was always “I’m gonna read it…” But like many of us…life gets in the way and we put off today what we figure we can do tomorrow.
Yesterday my son was grounded from everything except breathing and eating because he made some poor choices. As a parent I can sit here and dwell on “where I messed up as a parent,” or “how it will look to others when they find out I am the one whose son got in trouble.” When he was sitting on the couch yesterday ridden with guilt and feeling sorry for himself, I reminded him of two things:
1.If you are going to mess up in life, I would like it to be while you are under my roof. I told him Dad and I will be there and to help you through, you will still live with the consequences but we will be there. After he moves out and he messes up, I told him all I can do is cover him in prayer, and many times the consequences will be harsher. So basically learn your lessons now buddy.
2.Then I said to him, I want you to remember one thing today: God loves you right now with your guilt and sin that is in your life right now just as much as he loves you when you are being the best boy in the world. I want you to feel God’s grace right now because when we are down and guilty, His love is just as strong when we are doing the right thing. There is NOTHING we can do to make God love us less.
Well he got up and walked away from me but I could tell God was heavy on him. Then the next thing I saw was him plopped down reading that devotional book. And the Holy Spirit told me, “sometimes I need to allow things to happen so they will come to Me.” I thanked the Lord my son messed up, and I thanked him that he is at least reading something that will help him through this time in his life.
I can not make my son turn to the Lord when he messes up, but through prayer I can pray he makes the right decisions and hears God when he is reaching out.
Another lesson I had to learn also and something a mentor of mine told me (and my son may have to learn the hard way also):
If the only time you come before God is when you mess up or when you are in trouble, then God will keep allowing these troubles to come your way. He loves to spend time with you more than anything else. So spend just as much time with God during the good and peaceful times as you do when your heart is breaking and you can not see any light before you.
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Shalee 02.08.08 at 11:40 am
One day in the distant future when you least expect it, your son will rise and call you blessed for the protection, love and discipline that you give to him now. You’ll know then that it’s worth all the heartache and effort that you’re enduring now.
I want to be like Job; he loved God so much that he followed all of His decrees. He sacrificed daily, and in case his children had somehow offended God when they were on their own, Job offered sacrifices for them as well. Other than to raise them to love and know Him, what more can we do than to pray God’s protection, grace and blessings over our kids? Sometimes all those things come from their own life lessons.
Barb 02.08.08 at 12:38 pm
One of the scariest places to stand with your child is that crossroad they all face, sooner or later. This is such a difficult age - so many choices, so many decisions that can make such a huge difference in how they enter young adulthood.
He’s a good boy. I know he’s learning a big lesson right now and he’ll surely learn a few more, but by and large, he’s been brought up right and he’ll make you proud.
Barbara H. 02.08.08 at 12:57 pm
It’s so scary when they can make their own decisions, and they’re not always the right ones. You gave him very wise advice. We all mess up sometimes — hopefully what he is learning now will stand him in good stead in the future.
heather 02.08.08 at 1:21 pm
My kid brother (age 16) is going through some of that now, though sadly my family is not really Christian and though God is tugging he isn’t quite getting it.
I am sorry yet glad that you are letting him deal with consequences. My inlaws didn’t and their sons (the younger two, not my husband) had to learn the hard way.
motomm 02.08.08 at 2:34 pm
I dealt with some heartbreaking choices from my 13 y.o last year. As difficult as it was to go through then I can look back now and see God’s hand through it all. Parenting a teenager is by far the most difficult thing I have had to do. If you haven’t read this post already head on over and be encouraged.
http://grammy55.blogspot.com/2008/01/puzzle-pieces-contd-raising-hooligans.html
Loni 02.08.08 at 3:33 pm
>>Yesterday my son was grounded from everything except breathing and eating because he made some poor choices.<<
Oh my - I giggled - and cried with you. I sure can relate. We are struggling with one of our sons and it seems like we are grounding him from everything as well. Life is challenging for us - and teens. As you know we have lost one son his poor choices, and we will say to our kids, God can take them too, if they make poor choices and don’t follow Him. Thank you for sharing your heart. It helps knowing other parents are walking same bumpy road.
flipflop 02.08.08 at 4:03 pm
I’m living in this situation right now. Thank you for posting this. It meant a lot to me. God bless.
Beth/Mom2TwoVikings 02.08.08 at 4:09 pm
Wow - as part of preschool set right now, those years ahead of me like those you’re facing are terrifying to me…but I hope I walk through them with so much grace and wisdom when my time comes!
Susanne 02.08.08 at 8:15 pm
Wow, what you told your boy was straight from the heart of God for him. I find that I so want to protect my kids from the mistakes that I made but sometimes they just have to go through it themselves in order for them to see God at work personally in their own lives. You guys are great parents, Laurel! Not perfect parents as none is except God, but great parents pointing your boy to the Lord.
Iris 02.09.08 at 11:17 am
Yes, it is not easy to be a parent. But God has shown us His grace through His son (and girl did I needed God’s grace more times than I want to admit)…It is good to pass on our experiences to our children and continue to cover them with prayers.
Thank you for sharing your heart…Blessings to you and yours.
Angie 02.09.08 at 12:55 pm
Laurel…I so “feel” your parental pain. I have felt the same way many times with Tiffany—and she made many many mess-ups…but God held on—constantly trying to get my child’s attention…until finally—He got it. It was painful circumstances for all of us….but He had her full attention.
As parents we feel the pain of their “growing” up at times. I cover you with prayers Laurel…as you continue this journey of blessed parenting! I love you girl!
I will be down closer to you next weekend—if not before with Wanda again in the hospital. We have been instructed to wait here…but things are not good today. Continue to pray.
Thanks—(((HUGS)))
Tonja 02.09.08 at 1:38 pm
I raised 3 boys and my eldset decided that life was going to be how HE wanted it to be, instead of how it really was. He wanted to make up new rules, but no one else was buying it. He had a season where every decision he made was the wrong one. During college and after…some in HS. I, many times, prayed the same prayer,”God, just cover him with you and keep him safe until he gets through this season.” Because I didn’t always even know what was going on…God watched him better than I could. We always assured him of how much we loved him and wanted him to be a part of our family, but with 2 more boys at home, he was not allowed to be with us as long as he was doing wrong. It is hard to tell your child they can not come home. It is hard for them to call you and say,’this is the last time you’ll hear from me if you don’t send money for me to come home.” But, we stuck to our rules, as did his grandparents and aunt and uncle. Finally, he realized that if anyone was going to change…it was going to be him. And, he did. And, I thank God everyday. He is married now, has his own business, is active in church, and is happy to share his testimony with anyone who needs to hear it.
I really do think that some kids can not grow close to God until they go through the fire. God has to let them suffer for a while for them to get to the point where He can reach them.
There is hope, and I will pray for your son.
Cyndi 02.10.08 at 8:43 pm
{{{hug}}}
You are SUCH a good mom.
Vicki 02.11.08 at 7:11 am
Bless your heart. This touched me so much. I don’t think anything broke my heart as bad as the time my youngest son said he no longer believed there was a God - that we were all brain-washed fools. It was like a knife in my own heart, and I cried for weeks… but for the first time I understood how I had broken God’s heart when I rejected Him before with my independent ways. But back to my son - he was about 15, stopped reading his bible, stopped going to youth group or church. God used his rebellion to plow my own heart and set my own attitude straight about so much, but I learned precious truth about the mercy and grace of our Father. God loves our children even more than we do, and that’s not just cliche. Never prayed so hard in all my life—for this son’s very salvation and healing.
Talk about being grieved to the bone. I felt the Lord wanted me to give up my “reputation” as a mother (that had been important to me) and stop worrying what my friends thought about my children. The Lord wasn’t caught off guard by this heartbreak in our family, and He still knows best how to love our boys:-). He started to show me how to just love my son no matter what.
I’ll surely remember to pray for your son as I pray for mine. My son is 26 now, he’s come a long way, his heart has softened, but there is still much to pray for:-) Always.
love you,
V.