A few days ago while looking for some photos I found myself sitting inside my closest crying. With my oldest son turning 16 I find I am becoming more contemplative.  As a mother you always wonder, did I do enough? Have I given my children the foundation they need when they are adults, did I enjoy every moment of their childhood? And when I caught a picture of myself in one of those photos I had to honestly say…no.

Regret is a pit Satan would love for me to fall into, it is a pit I could make a pillow and stay for a long time.  It is only through Jesus Christ and his unconditional love that I refuse to let myself fall into the pit of regret.  But this one night, while sitting on the floor of my closet, I allowed my big toe to temporarily dip into that pit of regret.  I share these thoughts in case there is a mother out there with young children who is just trying to survive.

You are not alone.

When I saw that photo of myself with my young toddler, I saw a Mom who was fighting to just survive.  One thing blogging has brought to the forefront for many women is the insecurity I was/am not a “good enough” Mom.  I did not take a photo of every milestone or journal every good deed.  Fortunately I had a mother-in-law who loved to take a lot of photos, that is why I have them today.  Instead I was a mother with two babies 18 months apart, with no family support around me, just trying to survive.

I lived the first 6 years of my two oldest boys lives tired.  I was always worn out, worn down, and living from one moment to another.  Now don’t misunderstand me there were great moments in between.  My favorite time of the day was when they woke up from their afternoon nap.  I loved the cuddling time I had with them there.  No matter what kind of morning we had, we had that moment of tenderness.

There were good times, but there were also times that I look back and realize I was living moment to moment, trial to trial, just trying to keep my head above water.  That is what I saw in the photo I was looking at.

Would I change anything?  No. God knew I needed to be away from my family to rely totally on Him, God knew to give me children who were a bit challenging, so my knees would hit the floor daily before Him, God knew to develop some of the inner strength I have today I needed that time to grow.

But I sure wish I was a Mom who journaled and marveled at every little thing my child did, instead I was a Mom who hit her feet running at 7am and collapsed into bed by 9pm after raising two very active little boys.  I believe my personal blessing was my third child, he was and is my easiest child to raise, and I have stopped to savor every moment since the day he was born.

But I would not trade the lessons I have learned from my two oldest.

If you are a Mom who feels less than adequate and you seem to live your days just trying to survive, I want to let you know you are not alone.  Mom was right, life does slow down, and you will miss every stage.  Now that my boys are teenagers, becoming little men with their own thoughts and opinions I have found life does change.  I am not living to survive anymore, I am trying to grasp every moment, even the bad ones knowing they will be gone before I blink.

I won’t say that having them as teenagers is easier, but it is a lot different than the toddler days.

Sometimes I find myself  wishing I was like some of the mothers I read about throughout blogging world, I wish I had captured more memories, and I did not live my life trying to survive.  I wish I had more support around me when they were younger, I wish I documented things more, I wish I did not take some things for granted at the time. And as I said before, regret is a pit Satan would love for me to fall into, it is a pit I could just make a pillow and stay for a long time.

Instead I look back and I am thankful for the survival instinct the Lord has developed in me, I am thankful for the hard lessons that were taught, I am thankful that I know I can lean fully on him when others are not around, and I know without a doubt He is faithful.

I am also thankful that despite my failings the Lord has developed my sons into people I am very proud of.  And both God and I know, it was not because of my stellar mothering skills.

If you are a struggling Mom please know there is light at the end of the tunnel and God guides you every step of the way.  Don’t compare yourself with other Moms or you too will find that pit of regret Satan likes to trap us in.  Most importantly hang on to the truth GOD IS FAITHFUL and will see you through.

Now I will buckle up to see what the Lord has to teach me through kids driving, dating, going to college, moving away, etc… I fear I still have a lot to learn.  Like how to slowly begin to let go.

In my BlogFrog Community I ask: What are some of the struggles you struggle with as a Mother or did struggle with?

You May Also Enjoy:

• God’s Promises
• Thomas Brooks on Leaning on God
• Laced With Grace

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